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Text - Humor - How To Survive At Work.txt
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2003-12-01
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1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees
heading for import ant meetings. People with nothing in their handslook
like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper intheir
hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false
impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casualobserver.
You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have ablast
without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactlythe
societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution wouldlike
to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by yourboss
- and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're
teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training
dollars.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, itlooks
like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documentsaround
your w orkspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as
today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If youknow
somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll needhalfway
down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call youjust
because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because
they wa nt YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen allyour
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message foryou
and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when youknow
they're not there - it looks like you 're h ardworking andconscientious
even though you're being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to lookimpatient
and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around.You
could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read buthave
no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss'room
on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm,
7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impressionthat
you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots ofbooks
on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new
products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you suresound
impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
Myriam Maytorena
http://manifestreality.com
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